Silent Presence, Vol. 1 Satsang with Ganga Maa

5th August, 2023

Question: I try to be with the beingness by doing self-enquiry. When I ask `Who am I?’ my mind looks inwards and tries to find or locate this thing called beingness. Then attention to that falters and mind moves outwards towards the external objects it wants to play with and experience. It keeps on getting distracted like this. I feel that my attempts to locate my beingness turn it into an object I temporarily look at. How do I get to this sense of beingness without getting captured by the mind’s attempts to turn everything it seeks into an object?

AMMA: The whole of self-enquiry comprises coming to the root of this thought `I’. What is the root of the thought? It is the thinker. Enquiry is recognising the thinker and coming back to it. Enquiry is holding onto the thinker instead of holding onto the thought. This thinker can manifest many things in front of you. It can also act as the enquirer. Who is the doer? Who is the thinker?

It is the thinker who separates existence into an `I am’ and someone who looks at it. That is the whole problem. Hold onto the thinker. That’s the root of all thought. The thinker is a force that comes up inside you as the `I’ thought. Without that initial thinker, there cannot be any subsequent thoughts. The root of all thinking is this `I’ thought. The `I’ thought is the thinker. It might try to escape by distracting you with thoughts, but if you hold onto it without being distracted, it will disappear.

Question: I can never find the thinker.

AMMA: Then you have found the truth. [laughs] Why? Because there is no thinker. It disappears when you go looking for it. But if instead you hold onto thoughts, they will take you off in so many different directions. Images will appear in front of you, and you will run after them. But the one who is doing these things still exists. Who is that `I’? Hold onto it and, as you said, you will find that the thinker of thoughts will vanish. It will disappear because it does not exist.

[After a pause Amma continued:]

This is the whole basis of self-enquiry. It is not enquiring into the Self. What appears to separate us from the pure Self is the idea of a second, as a thinker or a self which acts as if it exists. It manifests as an `I’ sense. It is the power that rises up and proclaims itself to be `I’ or `I am’. The `I’ thought is this rising `I’. Subsequent to this arising other thoughts come up, thoughts about so many other things. As they do, hold onto that root of `I’. This is the thinker itself. Hold onto it and don’t let it escape. It may do all kinds of things, but hold onto it. What is holding? Holding actually means that you are going beyond it. Then, as you said, you disappear. The `I’ thought disappears.

Once this `I’ thought comes into existence, it encourages all the other thoughts to manifest and identifies with them. It splits itself into what appears to be two different selves and has one look for the other. This is the whole conflict, and it stems from the idea that there is a separate `I’ within me. You have to see the force that arises from within as `I’. And when it rises, hold onto its root so that it cannot escape. It will die there, at its source, in the root itself.

The moment you try to hold onto the root, the thinker may come up with excuses to escape. But hold onto it. Holding means holding. [Amma clicked her fingers for emphasis.] Just hold! Don’t allow it to escape. It will try many different ways to put your attention elsewhere. Just stay with that `I’.

If you can’t come to the root, it just becomes a repetitive practice: `Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?’ Saying this, the mind will think, `I am practising self-enquiry’. When this happens, the one who practises and the practice will both exist. But when the real `Who am I?’ happens, there is no second `I’ to look at or perform a practice.

This is what happens when you try to practise. The enquiry turns into an activity that the mind performs. Again and again it will practise, and again and again it will say, `I can’t find it’. Who is trying to find it? The moment you are fully conscious of the `I’ thought, the `I’ thought can no longer exist. So, be 100% conscious of it so that it doesn’t escape into thoughts.

Question: It is such a relief to hear you say this. Sometimes my thinking, with its `I’ thought, feels out of control, like a dog with mange that is compulsively scratching itself. It does me no good, but I can’t stop doing it!

AMMA: Yes, it’s a relief. Everyone is troubled by this mind that constantly tricks us into doing things. It’s a great relief when it ends.

[After a brief pause:]

To do self-enquiry properly, we need to have a great enthusiasm to catch this `I’. And it needs to become a joyful endeavour. We should catch it with bliss. [laughs] When the `I’ comes back, cling to it with a real joy because it is showing you the way to real and permanent happiness. Don’t turn it into a boring sadhana. Do it in a joyful and loving way. Investigate into the truth of the falsity of the ego with a sense of wonder. Yes? [laughs] When King Janaka realised the truth of who he was, he proclaimed, `Aha! This ego has been tricking me for so many lifetimes, but I didn’t recognise this or know how it was doing it. How wonderful! This is the whole knowledge. Over many lifetimes the ego tricked me, bound me, made me think “I am this” and made me struggle with these identifications. Now I have found out who the real thief is, the thief who was stealing my happiness.’ [laughs]

We get caught by this ego. Situations arise that make us forget who we are. This forgetfulness is the only problem. But whenever we remember, this is a sign that grace is working in us and for us. True prayer should be that proper atma-vichara should happen within us until the `I sense’ is completely removed. Ego is the thief who steals our happiness. It tricks us, posing as a friend who is actually our enemy. This enemy never gives us happiness. Seeing through the ego, seeing that it is not true or real, is the atma-vichara. Let that atma-vichara continue until realisation comes. OK?